DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony