Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Breaking news:
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside