If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
You Might Also Like
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
bro what is going on at twitter
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Muppet Screams
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die