The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
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My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Personal question. #JustSaying
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
why no one uses midhusbands
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet