Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
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Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours