Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
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Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages