Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
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“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Broom by every window for quick escape.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
“The Perfect Relationship”
Haha good job!!
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado