To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
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For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
huge valentines day plans this year!!
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.