[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
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Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.