You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
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*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
peak technology
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.