Probably my best painting.
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wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
According to math, I’m broke
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.