me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
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[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
rise and shine we got egg
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*