[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
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What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Smooooooth
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.