There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
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little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I can’t stop watching this.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going