Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
3% human
97% stress
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.