Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
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her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No