Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
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Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?