ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
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on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question