I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
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If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.