[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Taco Bell, Exit 22
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix