I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
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If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall