[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
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My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Why I divorced her.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.