[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
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People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem