My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
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Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
step 6: release the wall snake
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie