date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
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[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.