Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
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We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Storm Tropical Storm
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.