<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
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Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!