Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
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When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Don’t snitch tag.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs