Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
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Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken