(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
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[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
and now we wait
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.