Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
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Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
life finds a way
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.