Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
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almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
spicy snake
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.