5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
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This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.