Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
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what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.