Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
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People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I’ve been drinking.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*