Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
You Might Also Like
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.