I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
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Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Wise advice
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.