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The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Every house has this drawer
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.