making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
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10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
#growingpains
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.