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Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Cat is stressing him out.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad