“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
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When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.