Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
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Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?