Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
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[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired