Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
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I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.