The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
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Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
man i love columbo
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*