hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing