Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
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*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
It be like that sometimes 😆
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Lube but for my dry humor.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.