I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
You Might Also Like
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently