Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
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I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Morning my dudes.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear