Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
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the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
My therapist after every session
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
when mom throws a party…
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.